I’m excited to say I made it through October!
I recall last year around this same time. My entire world went on spin cycle October 31st. I picked the girls up from co-op, dropped my oldest off at her dad’s house, and took my little one to a neighborhood house party (one that was not close to home but the host was a friend).
I then proceeded to lose control.
I let others control my time. My decisions. My spending. My earning (or lack thereof during that time).
Not that anyone was trying to control me. We all had good intentions.
But since I had not set any boundaries or ground rules, I was getting got.
And becoming extremely exhausted in the process.
Why am I bringing this up now? A year later?
It started with my youngest daughter’s Kindle tablet last week.
I sometimes think that as her dad is a physical packrat, she is a digital one. Honestly, she still had videos saved on her tablet from April 2017. And, of course, I went through quite a few of those videos.
(Although I’m not a packrat, I’m a softy and I didn’t want to delete anything off the device she might want to see…everything else was going to the cloud.)
But in recently reviewing the media on her tablet, I realized just what a difference a year makes. Those videos from April were recorded two houses ago…two moves ago. Just a couple weeks before we moved.
When we had started our journey with the homeschool cooperative. We were making some major changes in all of our lives.
In the few videos that included me, I could see how stressed I was. I noticed my missing smile.
As a result of thinking about the past this week, I started to feel my chest constrict and my breath shorten.
I was having a panic attack.
I had to lie down on my couch in my new home and calm down.
To do that, I began to list all of the things that happened after October 31st that I was thankful for. Despite the feeling of being on spin cycle.
- Developing friendships with local homeschooling moms
- A home that is safe and comfortable
- New income producing opportunities
- Becoming a part of The Old Schoolhouse Homeschool Review Crew
- Breakthroughs in becoming a truly blended family
As I said them aloud, I began to think of other things. I said those aloud too.
I remembered how to breathe.
The past was no longer causing me to fear the future.
Instead, I thought about the lessons I had learned. And the ones that haven’t quite sunk in yet.
The lessons I didn’t give myself time to grasp. I was too busy not considering my own time. Or even using the time wisely to help others.
My time was spent in reactive mode for the majority of last year. Whether I wanted to admit it or not.
Even if I want to say I was being proactive about life’s decisions, the truth was that I was responding to everything that was happening to me.
It became clearer as I adjusted my schedule to include more time to refresh and be with the kids. So that I can find myself smiling in more videos.
I am grateful for the time last week to reflect on it all – minus the palpitations.